A Distant Memory

My mind was oozing with memories.

My lips stained the wine glass almost mimicking the colour of the liquid.

pink” I say to myself

The same colour I wore on the first and only official date I had with him. 

Somehow between our rendezvous I fell for him. I fell in the only way that I knew how. Irrevocably.

My thoughts lingered.

I pictured his arms around me one last time and having to catch my breath I recall the almost kiss. I loved the fact that even with my heels on I still had to stand on my toes to return his embrace.

Could it have been his deep brown eyes and breathtakingly gorgeous smile that made it so hard for me to forget about him?

Or maybe it was the way he made me feel when he held me. Safe.

Perhaps it was his presence…. His presence seemed to calm my soul and made me want to be a better woman. I reminisce on how beautiful the first and only official date was.

roses” I say

I remember roses, the smell of good food and strong coffee drifting in the atmosphere. I couldn’t take my eyes off him that night. I was mesmerized every time he spoke as if stars were dancing on the tip of his tongue.

I couldn’t help but wonder what had gone wrong, but quickly, I reminded myself that sometimes some people aren’t meant to be.

And for a second, my heart stops.

Or perhaps” I say out loud

“Perhaps it was the fact that I always fell for guys who I knew would never fall for me.”

Unmasked 

I wear this mask every day. I call it “strength” and it repels every person who could possibly pose a threat. I also have this invisible shield and it guards me against any person who tries to get too close. It’s like I’m a warrior and these weapons of protection are activated automatically.

I think I became so accustomed to getting hurt that I developed these defenses in the hope of never being hurt again. It worked, but it had an effect on me that I didn’t notice until I got older.

I wasn’t me anymore.

I hated me.

I used to think that vulnerability was a sign of weakness, but that was before I found myself.

Because there’s a side to me that has been awakened. A side that was buried a long time ago, among all the deception and broken promises.

They say that the eyes are the window to the soul and mine are no different. They give mine away and it shares a story with anyone who’s willing to look deep enough.

And one day, somehow by the grace of God and answered prayers I broke out of my cocoon.

See, that was the worst and the best parts of my life. I was trapped, but I was also on my way to being set free.

See, inside that cocoon I was being broken and moulded simultaneously.

Because one day that cocoon cracked open, dead in the centre and I was released.

I spread my wings.

See, that day I realized that what I was seeking I had all along.

It was always inside of me.

And I hope you realize this too.

Self Love 

“Another one” I thought to myself.

It was like some magnetic force kept drawing broken people to me. 

It became second nature to help and afterwards they would leave.

“I have no more left in me” I said 

But that only lasted until the next person entered my life, in desperate need of an emotional sponge

And I gave as much of myself as I did to the first. 

Emotionally I was drained

I stood in isolation with my heart on my sleeve begging for someone to notice me.

“I did it for love” I whispered to myself 

As if it were some sort of consolation to my soul. 

I felt empty inside

“This must be what it feels like to be dead; nothingness, the feeling of nothingness”

A thought entered my rainbow coloured mind

Then, tears poured down my face, soaking my cheeks and breaking my heart

“what if I loved myself?”

And so I did 

And I pray that whoever reads this loves themselves as fiercely first too.

For My Readers

Dear Beautiful Souls, 

Thank you to every person who follows and reads my work. I’ve always had this heart that crumbles when reading fairytales and listening to happy endings, while knowing that life is the complete opposite at times. The only thing in life, that is eternal after all, is love. We were made because of love and love will remain even long after we are gone. Beautiful souls, do not settle for anything or anyone who treats you less than what you are and you ARE a king/queen. Love may not always be easy, but when you find that person who moves every part of your soul, the person who sees the world in your eyes, the person who loves you unconditionally, the person who touches you without using their hands, the person who your heart knows is “different” everything will be worth it. 

Love,

Sharneez ❤

Juliet Lets Go

I’ve always had a stubborn heart and I was always drawn to people with more cracks in their soul than stars in the sky. So I loved you, in secret, with no expectation of you loving me in return. I loved you so deeply and so effortlessly that it became a lifestyle. I loved you fiercely, with every fibre that was in my being, I loved and the love I had was all for you. And I held onto you. I held onto you so tightly that I still bare the scars on my hands. And even though nobody knew how much I loved you and how quickly I had fallen for you, you knew.  You knew me better than anyone that I had ever known. But you didn’t care, because you were my night sky and to you, I was a mere woman, who loved too much. So I knew, I knew a few moments ago what I had to do. And with tears streaming from my heart and spilling from my eyes I finally let you go.

The Hole In Her Heart 

The emptiness lingers long enough for me to realize that something is missing. I’ve been able to camouflage my pain for long enough so that people don’t ask questions. I am not the woman I once was and I reek of change. I try and figure out what has led to the feeling of nothingness, but my heart is weak I have lost hope. There is nothing left in me and love has abandoned me. If I had to guess I’d say it started the day I began to pull the petals from my rose. I always felt good helping people, but the world is flawed and humanity has sunk. I started pouring myself into rose scented bottles and whenever someone needed love- a part of me was there- waiting; until there was nothing left. I was just another flower in a garden that nobody cared about stepping on -pulling out and sniffing- for their own pleasure. A part of me sits in isolation and I am terrified. I’ve been pressed so far into the ground and every breath I take seems harder than the one before. So, I inhale, slowly and think about the last time I felt alive and I think back and I imagine what it felt like when I found solace in your smile.

The First Kiss

My fingers were locked around his neck,

And my head found rest on his chest. 

I looked deeply into his brown eyes,

For the first time it was my heart feeling shy. 

He lifted my head holding up my chin,

Then brushed my lip on the rim. 

I stepped back and he held my hands,

But I got so weak I could hardly stand. 

He pulled me in once more,

And I lifted my feet from the floor.

His lips found mine instantly, 

I swear there were fireworks briefly. 

I’m still the girl dreaming of what could be. 

This is how I imagine our first kiss to be.

Timeless Love

Before my age catches us with me,

Remember the face that used to be.

Before my hair goes from black to grey,

Remember how I blossomed on our wedding day. 

Before my hands no longer poems can write,

Remember the ones I read to you at night. 

Before my body becomes filled with creases,

And my ability to recognize you slowly decreases. 

Remember there are things that my heart can never forget,

Like how your soul in mine is already set. 

And your heart that holds immeasurable compassion,

And the way you always kissed me with endless passion. 

And how we fell deeply in love during the month of December, 

And the love we shared I’ll always remember. 

But what chance did I ever have? 

It was inevitable that you were my other half. 

I want that timeless kind of love

Just A Fantasy

I thought about Paris and the bright lights,

And walks in the park late at night. 

I dreamt about kissing your lips while it snowed,

And the amount of love I could’ve showed. 

I wanted our Summers to be spent at the beach,

And when you wake for my body to reach. 

I longed to get married and to be dressed in white,

And for us to finally get things right. 

I saw our first child and it was a boy,

And how your face was filled with joy. 

I thought about Winter and snuggling in bed,

And about all the things that you had said. 

I thought, I dreamt, I longed and I finally saw,

That about our future you weren’t sure. 

The only uncertainty I need from a man is whether he loves my mind or my heart more.